Dragging Your Heart Around
by littlebirdblue
Summary: Rachel and Finn are back together and it seems like they're finally getting it right; until Rachel gets sick, and decides that if she's going to get through it, she has to keep it a secret from the everyone she loves.
1. Chapter 1

Rachel tugs her skirt straight as she walks up to the Hummel-Hudson front door, smooths the front of her shirt and carefully pats her hair, feeling for stray bumps or strands. Satisfied, she presses the doorbell and stands back. She bets herself ten dollars that Kurt will be the one to answer the door and a couple of seconds later she's proven right: her friend wrenches it open in bleary eyed, tousle-haired disarray and when he sees she's not one of the three acceptable callers at this hour of this morning – an evacuating soldier come to protect him from a zombie apocalypse, Lady Gaga, or Blaine – he narrows his eyes in annoyance.

'Rachel,' he says, through gritted teeth, 'it's _seven o'clock in the morning.'_

'I know,' she says brightly, and chooses to ignore his hostility. 'I'm very sorry to wake you so early, but I thought it was much politer ringing the doorbell than using the hide-a-key considering I only know where it is from accompanying Finn and was never expressly invited to use it.'

'In future, feel free to be impolite,' he grumbles. 'I assume you're here to see my brother?'

'Yes, I thought we could spend some time together before the barbecue,' she smiles. Brittany is holding a barbecue lunch at her house that afternoon for the glee club, and she's looking forward to it. They might have lost Nationals, but Rachel is resolute that it only fuel their fortitude to be even better and more fabulous in next year's competition. The barbecue is a perfect expression of the club's determination to stay strong and positive, and have fun while they're doing it.

'And you had to start at _seven o'clock in the morning?'_

'The barbecue starts at one.'

'Right, who am I talking to,' Kurt sighs, rolling his eyes. 'Of course, if you spend less than six hours with Finn beforehand you're sure to implode from sexual frustration.'

He opens the door wider as she turns bright red and gestures for her to come in, closing it behind her when she enters the house.

'That's ridiculous, Kurt. As you know, Finn and I have yet to take that… step in our relationship –'

'Unfortunately, yes, I do know,' he grimaces, with emphasis, and Rachel splutters in indignation.

'Has he been _talking _to you about it?'

'More significantly, he has not. If you and Finn had finally made the beast with two backs I'd be listening to him weep in joyful thanks to the lord.'

She rolls her eyes. Her and Kurt both seem to do that a lot in each other's presence, but she guesses it's an okay price to pay for having him as a friend.

'I'm just not ready to –'

'Whoa, whoa, whoa!' Kurt holds up a hand to stop her, eyes wide. 'I was being witty, Rachel. Do not misconstrue the incorporation of your status as virgin into our banter as an indication that I want to hear about how you feel about sex with Finn. Friendship only goes so far.'

'Got it,' she grins. 'Do you mind if I –'

'Go get him?' He waves her towards the stairs. 'Be my guest. He's basically impossible to wake before ten on summer break, as I'm sure you know from your previous relationship, but then again I'm not his girlfriend. Maybe you'll have better luck.'

He winks at her and she starts to skip quickly up the staircase, but slows down when her head begins to feel light. She's probably not fully awake yet herself (though she'd have thought her morning round on the elliptical would have got her going), so she takes the rest of the stairs at a walk.

The lights are all off in the house, and all the blinds and curtains are closed. She never would have rung the doorbell this early if Burt and Carole were home (she does draw the line somewhere), but they're in Colorado visiting Burt's sister, and she realizes with a kind of thrill that the fact she's allowed in this house so early, with Finn asleep and Kurt still unrumpled and only half awake, is a mark of how closely interwoven their lives are now, all three of them. Last summer when she was dating Finn, she never dared to even text him before ten, like there were business hours in their relationship. But it feels different this time and it never even hit her till just now that she would once have felt intrusive doing this, and now it just feels right.

Finn's room is at the end of the hallway. As she approaches she sees the door is slightly ajar; Finn's a fresh air kind of sleeper, whereas she's intensely private at home and keeps the door closed, even to her fathers, along with the window because second storey or not, she can't shake the idea that a serial killer could climb in and strangle her (or more realistically, Jacob Ben Israel and his camera). Pushing it open, she sees her boyfriend's shape under the covers and yep, he's definitely still asleep.

At first she decides to be practical, and pulls the curtains open, expecting him to stir at the flooding light. But the only difference it makes is that now she can see him better; feet hanging off the end of the bed, face half pressed into the pillow. She's caught him sleeping before, on buses and in class, and for once his mouth is closed. He looks peaceful and very young, lashes dark against his cheeks and hair adorably mussed. Unfortunately he's not the type to sleep without a shirt, but she has a thing for white cotton t-shirts anyway, and his shoulders look great.

She kneels next to the bed and shakes him. He makes a cute mumbling sound and she giggles.

'Finn,' she whispers, and when he doesn't react she leans in closer, and whispers in his ear. 'Finn…'

She watches his face with a smile as there's a pause and then his eyelids flutter and he opens his eyes, groggy. It takes him a second to focus, but he sees her and then the corner of his mouth crooks up in her favourite way and he reaches for her arm.

'How,' he says, voice low with sleep, 'did you get up here?' He sounds happy.

'Kurt let me in,' she says, and on an impulse she leans down to kiss him on the cheek, because he's ridiculously cute. She's pulling back, but his hand slides to her wrist and he puts the other one on her waist, pulling her onto the bed and top of him. She squeals, propping herself up on her hands, and he laughs.

'You should do this every morning,' he says softly, and she's touched. She's also really enjoying the way she can feel his voice rumbling with their chests pressed together and she's fairly sure because of the way he's trying not to look smug that he's enjoying the boobs, so it's a win-win.

'You'd wake up at seven every morning?'

His eyebrows raise. 'Seven?' He glances at the alarm clock on his bedside table and chuckles. 'Maybe every second morning.' He's joking, and she gets the feeling he's serious about the other thing – she's not going to, because it's not practical, but he really would be okay with her doing this every morning, which makes her smile, and she leans down to press her lips against his. He returns the kiss eagerly and then reaches up to brush her hair, which was falling in a curtain around her face, over her shoulders.

'So why did you decide to be my wakeup call this morning?' he asks.

'Brittany's barbecue is today, remember? I thought we could hang out and go together.'

'Awesome,' he says. 'What do you want to do?'

'Well…' she moves off him and onto the side of the bed, ignoring his protests. 'I hadn't really thought that far ahead.'

They've only been back together for a couple of days, but it feels like they never really broke up, they've just been apart for a really, really long time and now she finally gets to see him and talk to him and touch him again, she wants to. That's why she's here.

'We could just stay here,' he suggests.

'I think we'd get bored,' she says. 'Eventually.'

The doubt on his face is awesome. 'We could hang out with Kurt and Blaine. He's coming over to help Kurt repaint his room and we could totally bust their party and make Kurt mad.'

That actually sounds good. One of the things she's hoping to rework about their relationship this time around is the hanging around with other people part – last summer she was still basically an outcast and whenever he felt like seeing his friends, he left her behind. She only really became great friends with Kurt and Blaine and even Mercedes after they broke up, so sharing their people outside of glee is going to be new. Even the barbecue this afternoon – there was nothing like that last summer, but this time even the cheerleaders will invite her to their parties. At the end of the day, even with all the craziness of the year, they're all closer.

They haven't really had a chance to talk about what things are going to be different this time yet, but to Rachel, that's an important one.

'I would never pass up the opportunity to make Kurt mad. You know that,' she says.

He doesn't answer, but there's an unspoken agreement, and for a moment they both just lie there, comfortable in the silence. She feels his fingers, rough and warm, wind through hers and she turns her head to smile at him, but he's got his eyes closed. Hey, seven is pretty early. She figures she'll let him sleep for maybe half an hour and then they can go down and break the news to Kurt that he won't be spending a playful morning painting alone with his boyfriend.

However Finn doesn't end up getting much sleep, because Blaine apparently has the same idea as Rachel but fifteen minutes later, and when she hears his car pulling into the driveway she forces Finn to get up.

Kurt's not too pleased that they're crashing his date, but he also wants his room painted, and with two extra people he'll have time to make sure it gets done 'properly'. He's bought paint already, a silky pale grey which causes Finn to comment on its similarity to his old room and Kurt to say that grey is the only colour that's both classy _and _edgy when it comes to interior design. They spend ages painting, and Rachel spends most of that time either on Finn's shoulders or trying to escape his brush, because he thinks it's hilarious to try and get paint on her nose. She and Kurt have fun teasing him about his inability to paint in a straight line until Kurt realizes with horror that it'll throw off the way the paint dries and screams at Finn so loudly and for so long that Rachel makes Blaine touch his butt to distract him.

When they hit the three hour mark she has to go take a break because the smell of the paint is giving her a headache, and she lies down on the couch in the living room for a moment only to wake up a whole hour later with Finn looking down at her, and she catches him looking at her in a way she's not sure he meant for her to see, but which makes her shiver with happiness.

'You okay?' he asks, sitting down next to her. 'You never fall asleep in the middle of the day. You said it disturbs your natural red cycle.'

'REM cycle,' she corrects him, straightening up. 'And yeah, I'm fine. My headache is gone. I guess I'm just tired.'

'You better save your energy, then,' he says, grinning. 'Puck said he's gonna start a water fight and I need you on my side.'

'Don't worry, I'll be ready to kick butt,' she reassures him, and five minutes later they're eating cookies in the kitchen with Kurt and Blaine, debating whether or not Mr Schue wears vests when he's on holiday.

#

Rachel loves barbecues. Before her dads started working away from home so much, they used to have them every Friday as a kind of 'thank God the week is over' celebration, and so the smell of coleslaw and sunscreen and meat grilling is one she really, really likes, because it's associated with good memories.

She can smell it before they even pull up outside Brittany's house.

Kurt and Blaine pile out of the front seats and she steps out of the back. Finn meets her and they walk up to the front door. Brittany's house is one of those beautiful wooden three storeys, with a wrap around porch and willow trees in the front yard, and she can hear splashing and laughing from the backyard, followed by a male voice howling some kind of war cry, and then a particularly loud splash.

She sees Finn snigger.

'That's Puck,' he explains. 'He made up that war cry in the fourth grade.'

'And clearly hasn't matured,' says Kurt.

Blaine knocks on the door and a split second later it flies open to reveal Brittany in a hot pink bikini that leaves little to the imagination.

'Hi!' she says, in that vague voice Rachel has grown to find endearing, and she ushers them in one by one. 'Blaine Warbler, welcome. Lady Kurt, wonderful to see you. Finchel, please do come in.'

'Thanks for inviting us, Britt,' says Finn politely, and Rachel exchanges an amused look with him.

Brittany leads them out to the back door and they step into the backyard, which is enormous. There's a paved area and a pool in the middle of the lawn. Aside from Mercedes and Tina, pretty much everyone else is in the pool – the only person who seems to be missing is Quinn. Santana in a black string bikini, wielding one of those long foam pool toys Rachel's never found out the name of and attacking Sam with the ferocity and glee of a Spartan warrior; Mike and Puck are sitting with their feet in the water, busy loading some ominous looking water guns and piling a laundry basket full of water balloons (the barbecue is sizzling behind them). Rachel makes a note to be extra nice to them today, and follows Finn, Kurt and Blaine over to where Mercedes and Tina are sitting in lawn chairs.

'Hey, girls,' she greets them.

'Hey, Rachel.' Mercedes gives her a big smile, the kind you don't really know exists until you become real friends with her, and Tina gives her a nice smile because they're not quite as close but Rachel thinks one day they could be, if they hang out as much as she thinks they will this summer.

Kurt compliments Mercedes on her swimsuit and she looks thrilled that he's paying attention to her for once: she told Rachel Kurt doesn't seem to know it's possible to have friends and a boyfriend at the same time, and Rachel feels bad because her and Kurt have only gotten closer since he met Blaine so she knows that's not why he and Mercedes have drifted apart, but she doesn't know the real reason why so she's not sure _telling _Mercedes that would do any good. He and Blaine strip down to their swim-shorts, ogle each other appreciatively for a moment and then race off towards the pool.

'I'm gonna go see what Puck and Mike are up to,' Finn says, touching Rachel's waist, and she smiles at him, sitting in the chair next to Mercedes. He starts off.

'Hey, do you want me to mind your shirt?' she calls after him, and when he turns back she feels bad, because she's drawn attention to something he usually tries to distract people from. But she thinks it's important not to let it sit, the way he's insecure about his body, and so she'd never try and force him, but she won't stop giving him opportunities to be brave, because that's the only way he'll realize he really doesn't need to be insecure in the first place.

'Sure,' he says evenly, and with his eyes says _I am so getting you back for this. _He takes off his shirt and throws it to her, and when she winks – because despite what he thinks, he's pretty fine – he grins despite himself before striding off.

'That was some classy couple mojo, girl,' says Mercedes, giggling. 'And your boy is _smokin'._'

'Why, thank you,' beams Rachel. 'And _hey.'_

'Not bad, Rachel, not bad,' says Tina approvingly. 'But my boyfriend's abs are far superior.'

Rachel scoffs. 'Whatever. _My _boyfriend has better shoulders.'

Mercedes says '_my _boyf –' and then her eyes go wide as Rachel and Tina's mouths drop open. 'Nothing! I said nothing!'

'Oh my _God,' _hisses Tina. 'Mercedes, do you have a _secret boyfriend?'_

Rachel is floored. It's like… hey, good for Mercedes, but _what?_

'No! No!' insists Mercedes, but her cheeks are turning a tell-tale red. 'I do not – shut up!' And she sits back with her arms crossed and her nose in the air.

'You do, too!' Rachel cries, and pokes her in the ribs. 'You've been holding out on us. Come on, Mercedes, spill. Why wouldn't you tell us?' She gasps. 'Is he older?'

'Oooh, is he _younger?' _squeals Tina.

'No and no,' Mercedes sniffs. 'I'm not telling either of you anything. I plead the Fifth.'

'Well if you're not keeping it a secret because it's naughty,' continues Rachel, ignoring her, 'then you're keeping it a secret because you're embarrassed.'

'Tell us the truth, now,' Tina says sternly. 'Did you meet him over the internet? Because there's no stigma anymore.'

'Well, there's _some _stigma.'

'But it's hardly something to be _embarrassed _about –'

'Oh, for the love of all that is good and holy,' cries Mercedes, throwing her hands up. She glares at Rachel and Tina, who are laughing their heads off at her discomfort. 'If you don't leave it alone, I'm not speaking to _either _of you.'

'Okay, okay,' Rachel concedes, and pauses. 'Is it Jacob Ben Israel?'

Tina bursts out laughing, but Rachel can see immediately she's gone too far, because Mercedes' expression darkens. For a moment she's afraid Mercedes really is dating Jacob Ben Israel.

'Jesus. It's Sam, okay?'

Tina's laughter abruptly stops, and they both stare at Mercedes. Rachel knows she's telling the truth this time, because while she's trying hard to glare at her friends, there's a nervous tremble in her lip that means she really cares what they think about this. She can't believe it. Mercedes and Sam? She's barely seen them together in glee club, and she hasn't even _heard _of them hanging out outside of school, let alone… _alone._

'Wow…' she breathes. 'You're dating Sam?'

'Yes.'

'That's amazing, Mercedes,' says Tina, recovering a bit more quickly from her shock. 'Congratulations!' She narrows her eyes at Rachel, who realizes that her friend is looking hurt at their surprise and jumps in.

'I'm so happy for you,' she says sincerely. 'I mean, I'm surprised, but I think it's great. He's a really nice guy.'

'I know,' says Mercedes. The anxiety is beginning to clear from her face, and there are hints of a smile.

'Why did you keep it a secret?'

'Because of Quinn.' The look on her face is serious now. 'I know she and Sam broke up a while ago, and I know she cheated on him with Finn… but I felt bad. It's not cool to date your friend's ex, and I know she still has feelings for him. We might not be that close anymore, but I couldn't help it… I felt some weird loyalty to her. Just… not enough to actually stop me from dating him.' She looks ashamed.

Rachel isn't sure what to say. Mercedes is right. Rachel, Quinn, Santana and Brittany had all traded boyfriends at some point or another, but never with someone they considered a close friend. There was a whole different set of rules there that she'd never really had to deal with before. But she was pretty sure Quinn would never have shown Mercedes the same consideration… and she was pretty sure Mercedes, by the look on her face, knew that. Rachel decides Mercedes probably just wants to hear that the fact she's thinking of Quinn at all makes her a good friend, even if she's breaking the rules.

'That's really sweet of you,' says Rachel, and it's the right thing to say.

Tina asks where Quinn is today, and Mercedes shrugs.

'Who knows with that girl. Half the time she acts like she hates glee club and the other half she needs us more than anything.' She gives them both a small smile and there's an unspoken agreement that none of them mention this again until she brings it up or both she and Sam decide to tell the rest of the glee club. But Rachel spends the next ten minutes alternating between watching Finn, who is trying to avoid getting dunked by Puck and looks really, _really _good wet - and watching Sam, and the way he keeps looking over at Mercedes with a secret in his eyes, looking way happier and more carefree than he ever did with Quinn.

Mercedes can't resist getting her shot in.

'_My _boyfriend has better lips.'

#

The water fight happens in the middle of lunch. Puck actually hoses the steak and coleslaw off of Kurt's plate, and the gauntlet is thrown, because Kurt goes apoplectic and pretty soon everyone is toting water pistols and tossing water balloons. Rachel finally takes off her sundress, and the look on Finn's face when he sees her bikini – watermelon pink, with white polka dots and ruffles – is so good that she _has _to kiss him, and she ignores the jet of water hitting her back to run over to him from the opposite end of the yard. She wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him hard. He grunts in surprise but quickly throws down his pistol and puts his hands on her waist. They feel hot and she shudders, wishing he would hold her tighter. His tongue traces her lips and she opens them, feeling his breath warm her. There are hoots and whistles and she feels him smile against her mouth, pressing her closer to him, and she's finding it hard to breathe, so she pulls away and he rests his cool forehead against hers, his hair wet and curling as it dries. Their faces are so close she can count his freckles. Her heart is thudding.

And this day has been a lot of firsts for them: the first time she felt comfortable enough to go to his house unannounced and early, the first time they hung out with mutual friends on summer break, the first time she caught him looking at her like he might die if she ever left him, when she woke up on the couch to him standing over her at his house. And that kiss was the first time she ever let herself believe they really might make it; there was a way they might be together forever. She doesn't know why, but she suddenly feels that way, and she can see from the look in his eyes that he believes it too. It's possible.

'We should leave,' he says quietly (his voice cracks), because their friends are shrieking and running and laughing all around them and this is not where they want to be anymore.

'Mm hmm,' she mumbles, nodding against his forehead. He takes her hand and they walk across the lawn, out the side gate and away from Brittany's house. They don't take Kurt's car, because he and Blaine still have to get home, so they walk all the way to his house, not talking, just holding hands, her in her bikini and him in shorts. She starts to feel kind of dizzy from all the walking, but by that time they're almost there anyway.

The second the front door closes behind them he kisses her.

He's normally a careful kisser, like he's afraid he might break her, but not today. Their lips mash together and he walks her backwards until they hit the wall, fingers sliding into her hair, and she arches her back so her hips press against his; he groans.

'You,' he says lowly, looking into her eyes, 'are _insanely _hot.'

In response she runs her hands up his back, scratching lightly with her fingernails, and pulls him down for a kiss again when they reach his neck. This is the part of their relationship that isn't revised or needs tweaking. This has _always _been good between them. She can feel his heart thumping in his chest, a sound she loves, and he smells like water and sunscreen, and seriously, she could do this forever.

He starts kissing her neck, and all of a sudden she's feeling dizzy again.

It hits her in that moment how weird it was that she felt too weak to run up the stairs this morning; how she never falls asleep in the middle of the day, or gets tired on walks. She'd been dismissing these things as one-offs when they came, but right now she's seeing stars for no apparent reason and she realizes she might be getting sick. For a couple more seconds she resists the urge to sink to the ground, because what Finn is doing feels so good, but then she starts feeling really wobbly so she plants her hands against Finn's chest and pushes him away; for a second he looks confused, but when she starts sliding down the wall to her knees his confusion turns to concern.

'Rachel?'

She doesn't answer because her vision is starting to go grey, and she's kind of freaking out now; her eyes are closed and she rests her head in her hands, trying to catch her breath, because suddenly she's panting.

'Rach!' He sounds scared now, and she can feel his hand on her shoulder, his fingers smoothing her hair. 'What's wrong?'

'I don't feel good,' she says, and she'd be embarrassed at how small her voice sounds if she weren't trying to concentrate on not passing out. What the hell _was _this?

'What can I do?'

He sounds really freaked out, and she feels horrible. She doesn't want to scare him.

'Can you just get me a glass of water, please?'

'Yeah, hang on,' he says, and she can hear him rushing to the kitchen. A minute later he comes back and she raises her head, which is really heavy, and tries to hold the glass when he holds it out for her but her hands are shaking too hard. Without being asked, he wraps his hands over hers and helps her hold it to her lips. She's embarrassed. She can't believe she just collapsed to the ground like some weak, fragile idiot.

She pushes it towards him when she's done and he puts it on the ground next to them. He's kneeling at her side, looking really worried.

'Sorry,' she says, with a weak smile.

'Don't… don't be _sorry,' _he says, and she wants to cry at how sweet he sounds. She realizes she'd probably be feeling scared right now if she were with anyone else, but she never does with Finn, even when maybe she should. She always feels safe with him. It's not just about their relationship – he's just that way. He takes care of the people around him and she knows if she _did _pass out right now, he'd look after her.

She just really, really hopes she doesn't, because she's already humiliated from practically swooning in the middle of a make-out session. And her head is starting to clear a bit, so hopefully whatever that was, a dizzy spell or heatstroke or whatever, it's over now.

'Rachel, are you sick?' he asks her, and he puts his hand on her forehead. 'You're kind of hot. You should have told me! I knew something was wrong, you've been pale all day.'

'Really?' she's surprised. She hadn't thought she'd been that bad.

'You didn't have to come out today.'

Her head jerks up. She feels kind of hurt, because they'd been having a really good day today, and it must be on her face because he backtracks right away.

'I just meant – you didn't have to come out if you were sick, just to like, spend time with me. I would have ditched the barbecue. We could have hung out in your room. I just –'he looks so awkward, struggling to find the right words. 'I don't want you to feel like you have to… _impress _me, or not tell me when something's wrong. You _should _tell me. We should do that better, this time. Telling each other what's wrong.'

Rachel wishes she had the energy to kiss him right now, because he totally deserves it. And she hadn't realized he'd been thinking about what to do differently this time around as well. It makes her really, really happy, because she'd been dreading the conversation, wondering if he'd think they were totally fine before the Santana thing happened and he'd just want to go back to that. She'd been putting it off. But she can tell from the earnest look in his eyes that he wants thing to be different and better.

'I didn't realize I was sick, I promise,' she says finally. 'I'm probably just getting the flu or something.' She grabs his hand and lifts it up so she can kiss it. He does that small, just-for-her smile that she knows means he thinks she's amazing.

'And I will tell you when something is wrong. With us, or whatever. From now on, we'll both do that, okay?'

He nods.

'I know today was important to you,' he says, and again she's surprised at his perception. 'I know you want us to like, have the same friends and for me not to be embarrassed of you. That's why I wanted us to hang out with Kurt and Blaine, because we could have had an awesome time on our own but I know that's not what you wanted today.' He grins. 'And I totally spent lunch telling Puck all about how cool that biography of Barbra Streisand DVD was that you made me watch on the last day of school, so I want you to know, I don't think anything about you is embarrassing.'

'I never said I thought you were embarrassed of me,' says Rachel quietly – because she did used to feel that way, but she hadn't told him.

'I know. But I can tell what you're thinking a lot, and when we were dating before you always were really out there and in everybody's faces with us, and I knew that you were trying to force me not to be embarrassed.' He looks ashamed. 'Because, you know… I _was, _sometimes. Not of you, I swear. But of what you made me into… I still wasn't a hundred percent ready not to be cool, or the quarterback, and you were trying to make me a lot braver than I was back then. But I'm ready now.'

He's looking at her more seriously than he ever has before. He really means it.

She wants to ask him if this means he won't look at other girls anymore, that he might start standing up for her when people pick on her. But as soon as the questions emerge in her mind, she knows the answer. He just told her – he's going to be brave.

She's still feeling weak, but it's in a happy, tired kind of way, not a sick way anymore. She leans over and kisses him, trying to say thank you, and that she believes him. And then she pulls back and smiles.

'And I promise not to be a self-centred, cut-throat, revengeful controllist anymore,' she says jokingly, and he bursts out laughing, because they both know a self-centred, cut-throat, revengeful controllist is kind of who she is, but she'll do her best to dial down the bad parts.

She has a really, really good feeling about this.

In five more minutes, she feels okay, and he drives her home in Carole's car, which she left in the garage while she and Burt were away. He makes her promise to go straight to bed and when she gets inside, she changes into her softest pyjamas and collapses on top of her covers. She can't stop smiling. Her and Finn are better than ever, she has a whole bunch of friends to hang out with and for three whole months, nothing to do but have fun with the people she loves. She's even happier than she was last summer, and nowhere near as scared. She just hopes that whatever bug she's caught doesn't last too long, because it's looking to be the best holiday ever.

She falls asleep as soon as her head hits the pillow.

A/N: Thank you so much for reading! This is my first time writing fan fiction, so I would appreciate reviews enormously. I love constructive criticism, and I'd love to hear any opinions about the characters or thoughts about what you think might happen. This chapter is a happy one for Finn and Rachel, but unfortunately it's not going to last long. The next chapter should be up within the next week.


	2. Chapter 2

She's picking up groceries at the supermarket one day – she's been stuck eating dry toast and spinach soup for way too long, because the pills the doctor gave her to deal with her 'fatigue' (he credited it to a stressful Nationals experience and her stepping-up with her exercise regime) make her feel nauseous with basically anything else, but she's feeling better and craving a cous-cous salad. Her fathers are still in Chicago on a business trip for another two weeks, so she can pick what she wants.

She runs into Mrs Fabray.

They've never spoken two words to each other in their lives, but she recognizes her from junior year Regionals and a couple of performances since.

See, this is why Rachel doesn't like going to the supermarket. It's one of those places that _everyone _has to go to, and you inevitably wind up bumping into people you don't want to see. Once Jacob Ben Israel found her here and he spent fifteen minutes trailing after her with a basket, grabbing a duplicate of whatever she pulled of the shelves and when they got to the counter he wrenched her stuff out of her hands, switched it with his and _bought _it, gleeful that he now owned things she'd touched. She doesn't like to think about what he did with her cucumber moisturizer.

When she sees her, rummaging in the frozen section for a box of blueberries, her heart sinks and she fully intends to walk on past without saying a word, not to be rude but because – well, they've never said two words to each other. And if Quinn's told her mother anything about Rachel, she's pretty sure it's not good. She doesn't think Mrs Fabray would be rude to her in public, but it would still be awkward if she saw her.

She slips past her. She's almost at the end of the aisle. She's starting to think she was being paranoid – after all, why _would _the woman talk to her? What would she even say?

'Rachel!'

Cursing her short legs – _Quinn _would've been able to walk fast enough – she turns around, plastering a friendly expression onto her face. It's one of those times she wishes she wasn't blessed with such excellent intuition. Damn her for being right.

'Hello, Mrs Fabray,' she says, injecting a whole lot of fake cheeriness into her voice as she's forced to walk over to her. The woman is dressed in a long skirt and button-down blouse despite the fact that it's summer. There's a pause where she'd usually add something along the lines of 'Lovely to see you, how's your husband?' (gone) or 'Lovely to see you, how's your daughter?' (psychologically troubled).

'… how are you?' she substitutes nervously.

'Oh, call me Judy,' Quinn's mother laughs, flapping a hand at her. God, does she look like Quinn. And she's _smiling. _Why on earth is she being so nice? 'And I'm very well, thank you. How are you? Having a good holiday?'

'Oh, yes. I'm really enjoying the time off to relax and rejuvenate.'

_Why won't you stop smiling?_

'Well, it doesn't sound like you've been doing that much relaxing to me,' laughs Mrs Fabray.

Rachel's brows furrow. 'Uh… I guess Quinn must have been telling you about all the glee get-togethers.' Even though she hasn't turned up to any of them…

'Oh, no – have you been hanging out with the glee club these holidays? That's lovely,' she says. 'No, no, I meant with all your volunteer work!'

_Volunteer what now?_

Rachel's confusion must show on her face, because Mrs Fabray's smile starts to falter.

'At the homeless shelter?'

'Oh – right!' she says quickly, deciding not to shatter the woman's illusion. She doesn't know _why _Quinn would tell her mom she's volunteering at a homeless shelter – with _Rachel _of all people – but she wouldn't lie unless she had a good reason, right?

'Sorry, my brain is just not working today,' she says, giving a fake sounding laugh. 'The volunteering _can _get pretty tiring, but I guess it's just the change of pace that makes it feel like a holiday.'

Mrs Fabray looks reassured, and considering how pathetic a cover that was Rachel suddenly understands how Quinn kept her pregnancy a secret from her parents for so long. That was the worst performance of her life and she resolves to practice with improvisation.

'Well, you girls make sure to have some fun too, now. That's what the holidays are for!'

'Definitely,' Rachel smiles, relieved to hear Mrs Fabray clearly attempting to wind the conversation up. 'It was, um, it was lovely to see you.'

'You too, take care!'

Quinn's mom disappears down into the mush of people and vegetable stands, having apparently fulfilled her obligation to talk to her daughter's volunteering partner, and Rachel is left gaping after her, wondering when the hell Quinn decided to use _her _as an alibi and what the hell she was doing that she _needed _one.

On the other hand, it's kind of a relief to know Quinn's been talking to _somebody, _even if it is just her own mother, because over the past couple of day's Rachel had come to the conclusion that the girl had dropped off the face of the earth.

Okay, so she's gone through phases of thinking Quinn was her friend, but the truth is that even in their relationship's heyday, things sucked. They're too different. She doesn't think Quinn is ever going to stop caring about being the most popular girl in high school, and Rachel is never going to stop thinking the whole thing is ridiculous, futile and insignificant in comparison to her greater future. They both pretty much define themselves by those stances respectively and so unless one of them gets a lobotomy, they're never going to see eye to eye long enough to establish a proper friendship. There's also the whole thing about sharing boyfriends (sharing being kind of a misleading term, as it implies some kind of willing cooperation instead of the soul crushing push-and-pull it really was), but at the end of the day that's something you get over (especially in glee club). Fundamentally, they are a lot harder to reconcile. You can't just _get over _a life philosophy, and you can't really be friends with someone who believes the exact opposite of what you do. Quinn thinks high school is the most important part of a person's life, and she'll do anything to stay on top. Rachel thinks high school is the least important part of a person's life and she got over wanting to be on top a long time ago. So that's that.

Outside of school, they don't really have a lot to do with each other, which is fine by Rachel and she assumes more than fine by Quinn. She didn't miss her at the barbecue and when the glee kids met up to go the movies a couple of days later, she didn't even notice Quinn wasn't there until she saw Sam and Mercedes sneakily holding hands in the cinema and realized they weren't worried about her spotting them.

She had asked Santana where Quinn was, and her response was 'I don't care what Prozac Barbie does in her spare time, but if I had to wager a guess I'd say boiling rabbits in Finn's kitchen or building a murder lair under a cornfield. Word of advice? Don't ever let her measure your wrists, because if she manages to make shackles small enough for you, you won't be able to escape when she locks you up, shaves off all your hair and comes to school in argyle, knee socks, a reindeer sweater and a genuine Berry-hair wig to try and get Finn to love her again.'

Remind her never to ask Santana questions.

Well, she might not know what Quinn's been up to, but she's sure curious now. And at least she knows she's _alive – _because, you know, they may not get along, but they'll really need her sugary alto when it comes time for Sectionals. And she's strangely flattered that Quinn picked her as her alibi, too. Not that it makes any sense.

She races through the supermarket, forgoing the hunt for the really good Italian dressing and her usual careful tomato selection in favour of getting outside as fast as she can, because there's no reception in there – last summer there was actually a rally about this, seeing how it's one of the few public buildings with air conditioning and the teenage boys who go there for the nachos, low-cut checkout chick uniforms and indoor cooling get really cranky without texting. The rally was half made up of those Neanderthals, and half of the unfortunate victims of their boredom - kids in the vein of Kurt or Artie who really, _really_ wanted Lima's jocks to have something better to do than troll the streets for people to toss in dumpsters.

She's got her thumb poised over the _Quinn _entry in her phonebook when the screen glows white and a different name appears – _Finn._

She grins and answers the call – she hasn't heard from him since yesterday afternoon, with how busy he's been at Burt's garage, and she'll admit it. She already misses him.

Plus she thinks he might have some insight into this whole Quinn-told-her-mom-we're-volunteering-at-a-homeless-shelter-together situation. He did date her, twice. Then again, the few times he's mentioned Quinn since he and Rachel got back together – every time with an apologetic and slightly frightened look on his face – he's been all 'Yeah, I watched that movie with Quinn a while ago but I couldn't really concentrate because she was glaring at the side of my head and I thought if I looked at the screen too much she'd get mad and like… kick me'; or 'I think Quinn's one of those girls who gets her periods _really _close together… like, maybe a couple times a month', so… maybe he wouldn't be much help.

'Hey,' she says happily, lifting the phone to her ear. 'You will never guess what just happened!'

'_Rach?'_

She stops walking to the car, her heart doing something weird (like it's a fruit that dropped from a really high branch and smashed on the ground, and now the branch really misses it and hurts a little bit) because that's Finn's voice, but she's never heard it sound like that before. It's hoarse and he sounds really, _really _upset.

'Finn,' she breathes. 'What's wrong?'

'_Um… can you come over?'_

Her chest is feeling tight; he sounds small and scared (there's something about hearing a boy's voice when he sounds upset – any boy, but particularly this one – that really terrifies her), and wasn't he supposed to be working at the garage all day today?'

'I thought you were at the garage? Finn, what's going on? Are you okay?'

'_I'm fine. I just – I wanted to see you. It's… if you're busy, then -'_

'No, no, I'm not busy,' she says quickly. And even if she was, she'd be making herself un-busy because something is _wrong _and the Quinn Mystery will have to wait. 'I'll be right there. You're at your house?'

'_Yeah. I…' _he starts to say something and then she hears him swallow, like he can't bear to get more words out. _'I, uh…'_

'Finn,' she says, because he's really starting to frighten her, and she approaches her car at a run. 'I'm on my way. Can you please tell me what's going on? Stay on the phone with me, okay?'

'_You shouldn't drive and talk on the phone at the same time. I'll – I'll see you soon.'_

There's a clunk and then the dial tone – he hung up.

The journey to his house is some of the worst driving Rachel's ever done – she almost hits a parked car at one point, because she doesn't know what's going on and in lieu of knowledge is panic. Her mind throws forth a million terrible situations that could make Finn sound like that and she's powerless to stop it, just prays that Burt and Carole and Kurt are all okay but feels a sickening dread, because they're three of the very few things that she believes Finn would really be upset about. Luckily his house is only about ten minutes away from the supermarket and it's the middle of the day (no traffic) so she makes it in five.

He must have been watching for her from the house because she's just raised her hand to knock on the door when it flies open and he's standing there, with an expression on his face that literally breaks Rachel's heart. He's already close to tears and she feels sick at the idea that in the time it took her to drive here, he's been dealing with _whatever _this is and now he's not talking in that hoarse, helpless way; he's about to _cry _and his arms are folded over his chest like he's trying to keep himself together. Before she can even think about asking what's wrong, she's stepped forward and pulled him into a hug, because she can't stand this. He lets her do it but doesn't move, doesn't lean into it or hug her back and she realizes immediately it was the wrong thing to do, it wasn't what he needed, so she pulls back and just looks at him.

'Just… close the door,' he mumbles, and she obeys, watching him anxiously.

'Finn,' she says, pleading with him, 'please… _please _just tell me what's wrong. Is everyone okay, is your family okay?'

There's a look of disbelief on his face, like he can't quite believe he's in this situation, and from the way he's staring at the floor and refusing to meet her eyes she gets the feeling he regrets asking her to come here already, which _doesn't make sense._

'I…' he manages to say, like it takes great effort, 'I fucked up, Rachel.'

His eyes are pleading, asking her to forgive him before she knows what he's done.

If a million different situations flew through her head in the car, a million more come now. So Finn's done something.

_He wouldn't cheat on me._

The errant thought emerges in her mind like something toxic, and she shoves it back down. She knows, really, that this is about something else. She doesn't believe he would cheat on her, but she can't help thinking of Santana and the almost-cheating they did together and why he would refuse to tell her anything until she got here and why he can barely get the words out.

There is a _tiny _part of her that thinks that. The rest of her is smart enough to know that he loves her, and he wouldn't, and he means something else. She _knows _that's what she believes because she feels awful right away for even suspecting, and kind of hates herself for assuming it's about her and… she couldn't _help it._

All that runs through her mind in the space of a couple of seconds, and then she's done, she's back to feeling terrified about everything else it could be.

'Okay, well…' she struggles to find the right words. His eyes are boring into hers as they stand in his foyer, and she doesn't understand what he's feeling. 'Just tell me what happened and I'll _help _you.'

'You can't,' he replies shakily, and runs a hand through his hair. 'I… shit, I crashed my car, Rachel, and my mom's in the hospital!' It all comes out in one rushed sentence and his eyes are wide like he's thinking _I can't come back from that._

Her hand flies to her mouth. _Oh my God… oh my God… Finn put his mom in the hospital._ 'Oh, _Finn_… is she okay?'

'I think so… they said she has a concussion,' he croaks, and he moves towards her, desperate. 'I didn't mean to – I was picking her up to come see Burt at the garage and I got distracted and I don't even know what happened, one minute it was fine and then this car is slamming into us, on her side, and our car rolled over –'

She has to press her hand hard against her mouth to stop from making a noise at that, but she squeaks anyway and his eyes, which have been shining since she got in the door, brim over and there are tears running down his face. _I think so… they said she has a concussion. _Carole's going to be fine and she has room to feel very, very relieved but her boyfriend is still standing in front of her, devastated because he thinks it's all his fault and she _knows _that if there's one person in this world he has _never _wanted to hurt, it's his mom.

'I'm sorry!' he says, almost a sob, and his voice cracks. This is where she realizes he needs the hug because he is _apologizing _to her and he has done nothing he needs to apologize for, and she wraps her arms around him. His mother… Jesus, she's Finn's _mother. _She doesn't have one, so she can't say she knows what that love is like. But she's seen it.

This time he returns it, buries his face in her shoulder and holds her back. He's shaking and she rubs his arms, like he was shivering and this was something she could fix. She wishes she could say something, anything, to make him feel better because that's what she does. She knows that's what Rachel-comfort is; she's good at speeches, she's good at making people believe they are good or bad even if five minutes ago they believed the exact opposite. She doesn't know what to say here. He got distracted. His mom got hit. It _isn't _his fault but there is an element of cause and effect here she will never be able to free him from, not with a speech, not with anything.

She has never seen him this upset, and they've seen each other through a lot.

He's not the type to resign himself to crying, so she lets him hide his face as she runs her fingers through his hair, and a few minutes later when he pulls himself out of her arms, he looks calmer, but still miserable. What she _wants _to do is hug him for about another eight hours or so but he needs her to say something, anything. No, the right thing.

'Finn, this isn't your fault,' she says, knowing that as ineffectual as it is it has to be said. He clearly doesn't believe her, because he scoffs, face overcome with self-loathing.

'I was driving,' he muttered.

'_You_ didn't hit her,' Rachel insists, putting her hands on his shoulders. He won't look at her, but she can see him trying to keep the reins on his guilt, because he doesn't think he _should _be absolved and yet he's always trusted Rachel, and if Rachel is telling him this… maybe she does have a shot at convincing him, here.

'People get distracted. I know you and I know you're a good driver. I _don't _know exactly what happened, the mechanics of those two cars, but I do know that a split second of distraction does not make this your fault. I know you would _never _put your mom in danger.'

He just nods, but it's perfunctory.

'Come on, _believe _me,' she encourages him. 'I would not lie to you, Finn, I _wouldn't _do that to you. I trust you enough to believe that this is not your fault. And she's going to be okay, right?'

'That doesn't change what happened.'

'It should be all that matters.'

There's a moment of silence.

'Burt is… furious.'

She opens her mouth, surprised. 'What?'

'He kicked me out of her room.'

Rachel gawks. She realizes how strange it is that Finn is at home by himself right now instead of at the hospital with his family. Also, she is _stunned. _Burt's a grown man – no matter how worried he is, he should know better than to… he should just _know better._

She can see that for Finn, this is one of the worst parts; this is the biggest thing keeping him from believing he's not actually at fault. They've never really talked about it but she knows he looks up to Burt, admires him, thinks he's a good example of what a man should be and he's tried very hard to earn his respect and his trust after everything that happened with Kurt. She's been to his house a few times with Burt there, and she always thought it was nice, how well they got along now and how much they seem to have in common. In this case, the two relevant things they share are an overwhelming love for Carole and a tendency to blame Finn.

The more she thinks about it the angrier she gets, not realizing Finn is waiting for her reaction and only knowing her indignation shows on her face when he says 'I told him it was my fault, Rachel. He didn't come up with it on his own. I told him I was distracted and I looked away and it was my fault.'

'Look, Finn,' she says, 'even if you said that, he had no right to kick you out of your mother's room and he should have been smart enough to realize just because you blame yourself doesn't mean _he _should.' She looks him square in the eye. 'You didn't deserve that.' She pauses. 'In fact, we should go to the hospital.'

It seems like he won't dare to let himself believe he can. He raises his eyebrows. 'You really think that's a good idea?' There's hope in his voice and for what seems like the hundredth time in the past twenty minutes her heart breaks a bit.

'Your mom would want you to,' she says, and it's like he never thought of that before. They're the magic words. Suddenly he looks determined and he nods.

'Yeah. You'll come with me… right?' he asks nervously. She smiles and reaches out for his hand, squeezes it.

'Of course.'

They're halfway out the front door when a thought occurs to her, and her hand flies out to grab Finn's arm, stopping him. It's like a punch to the stomach. Finn turns to her, wide eyed.

'Finn!' she cries. She cannot _believe _she didn't think of this before. 'Are _you _okay? You're not hurt, are you?'

A weak smile itches over his face. It's forced, and when he speaks, she can tell he thinks it's unfair.

'Not a scratch on me.'

#

When they get to the hospital (she drove), Finn is nervous. She's the one who asks at the front desk if his mom is still in the same room, and she lets him lead her there by the hand. There's not really anything more to be said at this point other than what she said in the car, which was not to be an outsider in his own family, so she just grips his hand and feels nervous with him.

When they finally get to the right wing, they turn a corner and straight away Rachel sees Burt and Kurt, sitting together in chairs outside a hospital room with paper cups of coffee. Kurt sees them immediately and Rachel knows in that second that he, at least, does not blame Finn because he looks relieved to see them, and gives Finn a sympathetic smile. And he and his dad were not speaking before they entered; unusual for them.

Burt doesn't see them until a couple of seconds later, and when his head lifts Finn's grip on her hand tightens. His hand is sweaty but she returns the grip. Burt's face is expressionless at first, and then Rachel is relieved to see that there is regret mixed in with the anger that comes when he sees Finn. He only glances at Rachel, but she gets it. This isn't about her.

'Finn,' he says, and stands up.

'Hey,' Finn says, and clears his throat, looking awkward and anxious. 'How's –'

'She's gonna be fine,' Burt says, and the corners of his mouth turn up. 'The doctor approved her X-rays a while ago and ruled out a fracture; they've just taken her to a lab to do a couple more tests right now, but she should be able to come home tomorrow morning, we think.'

Rachel closes her eyes with relief, a tension lifting from her shoulders she hadn't realized she'd held. There was something about hearing it from Burt that really confirmed it. _Carole would be fine._

She opens her eyes to see Burt looking at her, a bigger smile on his face.

'Rachel, thank you for bringing him back in,' he says seriously (how did he know?). And he turns back to Finn. 'Son, I was worried about your mom. I spoke to the other driver – he was speeding, he admitted it, and you were doing everything right. He hit your car because he couldn't slow down in time. I want to apologise for making you think it was your fault Carole got hurt. I should have known better than to blame you just because you blamed yourself.'

Finn's lips twitch at that and Rachel nudges him with her elbow. She and Burt thought alike.

'You're a good kid and good kids sometimes feel responsible for bad things that happen when it isn't their fault. I should have remembered that. As your stepdad, I think I have a right to be a little annoyed that you got distracted while you were driving. I hope you know I'd be just as annoyed if you were driving alone. But I should never have sent you away from your mother, and I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me.'

Burt speaks earnestly, and Rachel can't help forgiving him for what she was ready to really hate him for just a short while ago. She thinks kicking Finn out of Carole's room was despicable, no matter whose fault he believed it was at the time. But there aren't many parents who will apologise so honestly and sincerely – her own fathers have always struggled to humble themselves like that – and there are few, too, who like and respect their kids the way she can tell Burt does with Finn, who looks happier than he has all day and whose grip on her hand no longer feels painful because she can tell he's starting to think everything might be okay.

'Thanks,' he tells Burt, and accepts the man's handshake when offered. 'And uh… I'll never get distracted when I'm driving again, I promise.'

'I think you probably won't,' grins Burt.

#

Rachel waits with the Hummel-Hudsons at the hospital for Carole's tests to get back. Finn is like a man who grew a hundred years older in a single day and then got young again; the self-hatred she saw in his eyes at his house is gone, and though she can tell he still feels sheepish and worried, he doesn't seem to feel guilty anymore. He's _lighter. _Burt excuses himself to 'go find a doctor' for undisclosed reasons and she thinks he's really just doing something nice for Finn by disappearing for a moment, because the second he rounds the corner Finn kisses Rachel in a way that wouldn't feel entirely _right _in front of his stepfather; he rests his hand on her neck and pushes her hair back with the other, and it's one of those _I have to tell you things _kisses that she knows means he is relieved and happy and really, really loves her and _thank you_. Kurt puts up with it for about twenty seconds and then starts making vomiting noises.

'Cease and desist!' he cries. 'I'm having Nationals flashbacks! _Stop that right now!'_

They both start laughing at the same time and so the kiss stops.

'Hello, Kurt,' Rachel smiles, remembering that she hadn't greeted him yet. They're all smiling, dopey on good news and resolution.

'Hello,' he says. 'You're a good girlfriend, coming down here with Finn.' It's one of his rare mentioning-Finchel-without-the-mockery moments. 'I'll have you know, Blaine's not here because he caught the bus to Bedford this morning to visit his sister's family, but I've got…' he reached into his pocket and brought out his phone, scrolling through his inbox and clicking his tongue with satisfaction, 'twenty two texts from him, offering his support.'

'He's a very good boyfriend,' nods Rachel solemnly.

'Just thought you should know,' Kurt shrugs, struggling not to smile.

'Rachel still wins,' Finn says quietly. The favourite crooked smile appears and even though this day has been awful, this is a moment of clarity.

For a big part of her life she thought she would never have a boyfriend, let alone someone she loved as much as Finn; let alone someone who loved _her_. She never thought she would have a boy who knew her and liked her anyway, and she never thought she would be the type of girlfriend someone would call when they were upset, someone he would cry in front of and listen to and trust and bring to the hospital when his mom got hurt. She was an absolver of guilt and an encourager of bravery and Finn _trusts _her (which feels good, after last year). You don't imagine that kind of intimacy when you think _boyfriend. _You learn it when it happens.

Footsteps echo from down the hallway and they all turn towards the noise; there's a beat and then a hospital gurney comes wheeling around the corner, Burt on one side and a blue-scrubs clad doctor on the other. Lying on the gurney is Carole: her dark hair kinks in accidental ways around her head and her face is white; her eyes are closed, and there is a big white patch of gauze over her forehead that is secured with two little pieces of tape. She could be sleeping and she is, really, she just didn't fall asleep.

She doesn't look too bad, but Rachel looks at Finn and he is horrified. He leaps out of his chair like he's been shocked and meets the gurney at the doorway of his mother's hospital room, staring at the woman on the bed like he's never seen her before. She imagines it's scary to see your parent hurt. Scary to see them unconscious. After all, kids believe their parents are invincible and in a lot of ways, Finn is just a really big kid. Hell, it's scaring her a little bit to see Carole like that and they barely know each other, it's just that she knows who she is to Finn and a woman like that being hurt, it's just not nice.

Swallowing, she glances at Kurt, who hasn't jumped up but stares at Carole with a similarly stricken expression. He sees her looking at him and attempts a smile – they both know she's going to be okay. Doesn't make this not-scary.

'She's going to be okay, son,' Burt says, clapping a hand on Finn's shoulder, and Finn nods mutely, watching his mother be wheeled into her room. After a moment he shakes his head and walks back over to Rachel and Kurt, throwing himself down in his chair and staring straight ahead.

'You okay?' Kurt asks warily.

For a minute he doesn't answer, but then he tips his head back and knocks it gently against the wall, sighing. 'Yeah. Fine. I just hate this place.'

Rachel hates hospitals too. Nothing good ever happens there.

_Beep._

Somebody's phone chimes in that familiar 'you've got mail' way. Finn jerks his head up; Kurt rummages in his pocket for his phone, and looks up when he checks his inbox. 'Not me. Must be your phone, Rachel.'

She pulls her phone out of her front jeans pocket and is surprised to see a little white picture of an envelope with a caption that reads _You have a message from: QUINN FABRAY._

Quinn has never texted Rachel before in her life. Under her real name, that is. Rachel's pretty sure she's responsible for the flood of hobbit jokes she received anonymously after _The Lord of The Rings _came out, because they weren't clever enough to be Santana's.

Running into Mrs Fabray at the supermarket this morning feels like forever ago.

She thumbs the image and Quinn's message blooms onto the screen.

_Talked to my mom. Don't screw this up. Meet me at the 7 Eleven tomorrow at 4 and I'll explain: until then, DON'T SAY A WORD._

A/N: Thank you so much for the favourites, story alerts, author alerts and most especially the reviews for the last chapter I appreciate everything. I hope you enjoyed this one. Please review with comments or questions and expect the next chapter soon!


	3. Chapter 3

THREE MONTHS LATER

Quinn hates hospitals.

She doesn't like what it means to be there. She'll be walking through the pristine halls, like bleached tunnels, veins parched of blood and colour, and every face she sees, she wonders if they're dying. Or if somebody hurt them. Or if they're here to give up something precious. If they're being forced to. She knows she's not good at dealing with harsh realities. The other glee kids are excited to be here; they're not naïve, not all of them, but she can tell most of them are getting a real kick out of the idea that they might be able to lift someone's spirits – as if momentary happiness might affect the outcome of what's brought them here. Tina and Mike are smiling the whole bus ride in. Finn's got that far-off, content look on his face that he always gets when he's not straddling the line between what's right and what looks right, and just does the good thing. It's the first time she's seen him look remotely happy since Rachel broke up with him. Even Puck, who is one of the most realistic people she knows and who thinks optimism is stupidity, seems weirdly happy. They're all high on the idea of making a difference.

But Quinn is dreading this. It's not that she doesn't think they're doing a good thing – she really believes these kids will enjoy their performance, and after being cooped up in that gloomy place with nothing to think about but what's wrong with them, it'll be nice for them to meet some new people. But she knows she's going to feel like shit afterwards. Because no matter how upbeat these kids may be, a lot of them will never be as old as she is right now.

She looks around the bus. She's sitting by herself, because without Rachel – and don't even get her started on how bizarre it is that Berry isn't here for the attention-fix – there's an odd number of kids, and she's the one who ended up by herself. A year ago that would have pissed her off – two years ago it would never have happened. But right now, every one of her friends is _better _friends with someone else, and most of the club is scared of her anyway. She has no idea how to go about fixing it, because the truth is she's never had to make much of an effort to have friends before. Whether she was popular or languishing in the depths of loserdom, people had just always come to her. Maybe that's why things had gotten this bad in the first place – it never occurred to her that the glee club, who had liked her even though she once represented everything they fought against, who were there for her through the worst time in her life, who understood her lies and her selfishness and protected her anyway, could possibly drift away. If she'd ever had to fight for friends before, maybe she'd have realized there was something she should be _doing_ here to keep them; maybe she'd have worked it out before the distance grew so big that she couldn't remember the last time she had a conversation alone with Mercedes, or hung out with Tina, or texted any of them outside of school. It's funny – for a girl who was once the queen of the social sphere, she's actually pretty socially inept. She doesn't know how to reach out.

Kurt and Blaine are sitting with their ankles tangled together, because they're basically incapable of not being nauseating. They remind her of Rachel, although there's no Finn in this equation, just two people equally into PDA and no self consciousness. It's less pathetic this way. Artie's just looking out the window as Puck listens to his i-pod with eyes closed. Quinn wonders what Artie thinks of all this – if anyone would know about hope or how kids feel about their own mortality, it would be him. She'd love to ask him, but they're not really close enough.

She's not really close enough with any of them anymore to have this conversation. How depressing is that? These people are meant to be her family.

'Alright guys, we're here!' Mr Schue says chipperly, standing up as the bus draws into the visitors' parking lot, and everyone starts to unfurl from their seats. 'We've got an introductory meeting with the nurse in charge, just to give us a bit of advice about how to do this. So we'll head off to the lobby and when that's done we'll make our way through the cancer ward.

They file slowly off the bus and as soon as her feet hit the ground, Quinn gets a faceful of faux-cheerful, modern, institutional buildings that cluster together to form the hospital. Lima Children's is a much nicer hospital than General, where she had her baby: it's all shiny new glass that lights up from the inside, and there are flowers all around, a bright necklace ringing the building as if they can make a hospital a pleasant place to be. Quinn thinks it's a bit patronizing, because nobody with a serious problem is going to look at this glittering exterior and suddenly think they have a shot.

They are met at the front doors by a chubby woman with fire engine red hair and beady blue eyes. She watches them from the time they hit the bottom of the pathway until they're standing right in front of her, and she rakes her eyes over each student with critical fascination. She's totally judging and she looks like a bitch. Why are all nurses bitchy? You'd think the nursing profession would be made up all of nice, sweet, accommodating people but in Quinn's experience, they're either on a power trip or too busy to be nice.

And for all they're meant to be impartial, she remembers clearly the way the nurses looked at her when she was in hospital after having Beth. They knew she was sixteen and giving her baby up for adoption, and while they spouted platitudes like 'it's a valid choice' and 'you're giving her the best life you can', she could see the disgust in their eyes because they didn't even try to hide it.

'Hi – Nurse Pattinson?' Mr Schue asks.

'That's right,' she says. 'Are you the McKinley High Glee club?'

'Yes we are,' he says proudly.

Her bitchy face breaks into a smile, and all of a sudden Quinn knows exactly why this woman is in charge of the kids with cancer, because that smile is incredible. It changes her whole face. Suddenly she looks like the sweetest person on earth, and even if she's a bitchy, judgy nurse, Quinn sees from that smile that she's probably a nice person.

'It's wonderful to have you here!' she gushes. 'Thank you so much for coming. Follow me into the lobby and we'll just go over some things before you see the kids.'

'Awesome. Come on, guys.'

'That nurse is kind of hot,' she hears Puck whisper to Artie, and she rolls her eyes.

A few minutes later, they're seated around a coffee table in the lobby and Nurse Pattinson is standing in front of them with her hands woven together. She's back to looking bitchy, but Quinn's pretty sure that's just her resting face.

'First of all, I would like to say we really appreciate your offer to come and entertain our kids,' she says, and Quinn can tell she's sincere. 'We do our best to keep them entertained, but ultimately they do get a bit bored and it's always great to break up their routine a bit. It's a lot easier to stay positive when there are still surprises to look forward to, and it's also great when people who aren't affiliated with the hospital come and see them because they all really love staying connected to the rest of the world.'

'It's our pleasure.'

Quinn's surprised when Finn says it instead of Mr Schue, but she looks over and sees by his face that he's already affected by Nurse Pattinson's speech. He's such a marshmallow. He catches her eye and gives her that adorable crooked smile, and she can't help it. She smiles back. She knows he doesn't have feelings for her anymore, but it's nice to know that when he catches her eyes he'll smile instead of looking away.

'Thank you, young man,' Nurse Pattinson says. 'Now, I know that some of you will have no experience with cancer or serious or terminal illnesses, and there are others who will have varying degrees of experience. No two people will have the same reaction when they are around children who are sick, just as no two children react the same way to being sick. It can be very emotional, either while you are here or afterwards, when you have time to really think about it. It can be upsetting, but it is our hope that you will also find it rewarding. We don't want to tell you how to feel, but we recommend to all school groups that you discuss your visit here as a class when you go back to school in order to sort through your feelings, because it would be a shame for you to come away with nothing but sadness when there is so much to be gained from talking with these children and learning about what they go through.'

They all listen in silence. Everyone's faces are very serious. It seems to be hitting some of them at last that they don't really have a lot of control over what is going to happen. They might be meeting kids who would soon be dead. Quinn looks over at Artie again. He is listening to Nurse Pattinson intently.

'Some of these children,' she says gently, 'will look very sick. Some have complete hair loss, while others are beginning to lose their hair. Others have physical deformities or traumatic surgical scars. Some appear very fragile and tired. Others may seem, on the outside, to be completely healthy. Of course, these kids are all at different stages in their illnesses and are undergoing different treatments, but their appearance isn't always an accurate reflection of this. They're all in different emotional states, and someone who is in their first round of treatment for an early detected cancer with an excellent prognosis may in fact be more depressed or angry than someone who knows they are going to die. They may or may not bring up their illnesses with you, but if they do, it's important you don't try and trivialize their situation. Whatever they are going through, if they talk to you about it, they need you to be understanding. Don't say 'you'll be fine' or 'don't worry about it'. The best thing to do is listen and keep them talking. We don't expect you to counsel them, but most of these kids are aware of what is happening to them and they will appreciate your questions and your interest. If you feel like you can't handle the conversation, please feel free to call a nurse to come and help direct you, but try not to dismiss the discussion because you are feeling overwhelmed, because these kids remember every time they talk to a person about their cancer, and every time someone reacts with fear or discomfort it changes the way they will talk to the next person. Before we go up, I need to know if any of you feel you can't handle it. There's absolutely no shame in it, because it's a confronting thing, but if you feel now that you aren't up to it, I can take you to the lounge area and you can wait there until we're done.'

She pauses, but no one speaks up. Quinn's not surprised – she half feels like running right now, but no way is she letting everyone else know how scared she is.

'Alright. If any of you change your mind on the way up, feel free to tap me on the shoulder and when we get the lounge I will take you out discreetly.'

'Some of the kids might joke about their illnesses, and it's _fine_ to laugh with them. A sense of humour is one of the greatest things to keep in a situation like this. And don't worry too much – most of the time you'll just be talking like two regular people, but I want to prepare you for the possibilities of discussing sensitive issues.'

'One last thing. This is a children's hospital, but you will be meeting patients from the ages of two to seventeen. Remember, the older kids expect you to treat them just like another person your age. It's often a very valuable part of the visit to talk to these kids, because they are usually willing to talk openly about their situation and they understand that it is a new experience on your part as well.'

'Any questions?'

'Will we be able to come back and visit them if we want to?' asks Puck. Mr Schue looks like he's about to cry, and he squeezes Puck's shoulder.

He'd always had a soft spot for kids.

Nurse Pattinson looks pleased.

'During visiting hours, absolutely. Now… are we ready to go?'

'I think we are,' Mr Schue says bracingly. Quinn's not so sure, but they can't sit here working up courage forever. Better to just jump off the cliff.

'Okay then!' she says briskly. 'Follow me. We'll have you perform in the paediatrics lounge first, and then you can have a while to chat to the kids and play with them… then we'll have lunch and we can visit some of the kids who are too sick to leave their rooms.'

They all get up to follow her through the corridor and up some stairs. Quinn's mouth is dry. She was always good with kids – she loved spending time with Sam's little brother and sister, and she'd babysat heaps. But she has no idea how she was going to deal with these kids. She is good at playing house and reading books with funny voices! She doesn't know how to talk to a kid about dying! She doesn't even know how to _look _at a dying kid. She doesn't even like to _think _about dying kids.

The other kids group together. Blaine and Kurt, Tina and Mike, Santana and Brittany, Finn and Puck, Artie and Mercedes. She kind of wishes Sam was here – he'd always thought she was amazing, even when she was a heinous bitch. She misses that. She even kind of misses Berry right now, because if that girl saw her walking by herself she'd be chatting in her ear a mile a minute, and even that would be better than being the odd one out.

They reach a set of massive green double doors, and Nurse Pattinson pushes them open.

' – a big round of applause!'

Whoops and catcalls and the sound of clapping meets them. Quinn's heart starts pounding.

The room is filled with people – three big sofas arranged around a cluster of little round tables, filled with kids. Adults in casual clothing stand around with kids in their arms – parents, she guesses, while other children are held by nurses in bright pink and blue and yellow scrubs. Kids in pyjamas, in dressing gowns, in hospital gowns, in jeans and t-shirts, in scrubs like the nurses wore – one little boy in a Superman costume. And they are all clapping for them, cheering. They look so excited.

'William McKinley High School's Glee club, everybody – the New Directions!'

One of the nurses at the back yells an introduction for them. Quinn stands with her mouth open, frozen, until she feels an arm go around her waist and she sees everyone around her was bowing, so she bends at the waist too. Kurt does a funny flourish with his hands and a couple of the kids giggle behind their hands.

'We're going to go straight into it,' Tina hisses into Quinn's ear, and she nods, taking a deep breath as she takes her place next to Mercedes in the line for their first song.

The applause dies out and Mr Schue holds a hand up, indicating for them to stay quiet for a minute for dramatic affect. Then he punches the air – one, two, three, four –

'Oh wop bop ba noo ma!' yells Finn.

'Oh wop bam boo!' shouts the rest, and then Blaine, Kurt and Mike start on their acapella accompaniment –_da da na da da na, da da na da da na, da da na da da na NAH._

'_We go to-GETHER, like rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong!' _sing Artie and Tina, leaning forward in the line up. The kids start cheering again.

'Remembered for-EVER, like shoo wop shoo wadda wadda yippity boom de boom…'

#

It turns out that some kids go crazy for _Grease. _A little Chinese girl with a fuzzy cap of black hair and the biggest, wettest brown eyes Quinn's ever seen idolizes Olivia Newton John and when they're finished performing _We Go Together _she lets out an ear-splitting scream of joy and lunges at Quinn, wrapping her arms so tightly around her waist that it actually hurts. Her parents, a couple sitting on the floor, burst into laughter and everyone applauds as Quinn kisses the top of her head. The girl is freaking adorable and Quinn can totally handle her because she doesn't even seem very sick.

When the girl is done squeezing the life out of her in expression of her overwhelming gratitude, she takes Quinn's hand and pulls her over to her mom and dad as the rest of the club spreads out amongst the kids. As they approach, Quinn looks at their faces and they smile at her. They don't seem sad or worried, just head over heels for their insanely cute and tiny daughter, and she thinks she might be lucky – this girl is obviously one of the healthier ones.

'This is my parents,' the little girl says, and Quinn looks down in surprise. The girl's voice, which reached such a bat-sonar level when she screamed, is hoarse and unnaturally deep when she speaks.

'I'm Quinn,' she says, recovering quickly. 'It's nice to meet you. And what's your name, missy?'

'Penny,' she says cheerfully. 'I'm six.'

And she sounds like a lumberjack.

'And you're a Grease fan, are you?' asks Quinn, letting Penny pull her down to the floor to sit with her parents.

'I _love _Grease,' she says earnestly, thumping her knees with her palms. Her mother, looking at her fondly, reaches across and presses her hands flat against them, a _calm down _gesture.

'What's your favourite song?' she asks, grinning. She can't help it. This little girl makes her want to smile.

'I like You're The One That I Want… 'cause I like it when Danny Zuko says 'it's ELECTRIFYING!'

She shrieks the last word, and her odd voice cracks, but she throws her head back and does the Danny Zuko shiver and it's so funny that Quinn can't stop laughing until Penny looks a little insulted.

'That was awesome,' she says quickly. 'Can I have a high five?'

'Sure!'

They high five, and then Penny wants Quinn and her mom to have a high five, and Quinn and her dad, and then her mom and dad, which turns into her mom and dad kissing, which makes Penny shout 'eww!' with a look of such total disgust on her face that they might have been having sex right on the paediatric lounge floor. She springs up from the ground and grabs Quinn's hand. Penny's feels warm and smooth and little, but her grip is strong.

'Let's go visit my friend,' she commands, and Quinn scrambles to get off the floor before her arm is pulled out of its socket. Penny leads her through the lounge, which is enormous, and there are people spread out everywhere. She passes Mercedes, who is talking with a girl who must only be a couple of years younger than them and looks fine, but she's wearing a hospital gown and has an IV stand next to her which is pumping something clear into her arm. She sees Mr Schue trying to crawl through a plastic cubby house on his knees, at the urging of two little boys who look so gleeful that she knows they're doing it purely for the fun of seeing his butt stick out of the doorway. And then Penny stops in front of a chubby boy with a mop of straw coloured hair and vivid freckles on his nose, who is sitting at a small table with Puck and a pretty teenage girl dressed in regular clothes.

'This is Robert,' says Penny, and the little boy waves. Quinn sees Puck's eyes go wide for a second when he hears Penny's unusual voice.

'Hi, Robert. I'm Quinn,' she says, kneeling down at the table with Penny. 'Puck, this is my new friend Penny.'

'Nice to meet you,' says Puck, ducking his head in a mock bow. He's good with little girls (well, all girls, but little girls in particular), because he's spent years taking care of his sister while his mom does night shifts, and Penny looks immediately enamoured.

'Hi, Penny,' says the girl sitting next to Puck, looking amused. Penny ignores her and Puck grins.

'I'm Claudia,' the girl says, looking at Quinn. Then she leans past Puck and whispers 'Robert has a crush on me and Penny isn't very happy about it.'

Quinn watches as Penny, who is something of a vixen, sits close to Robert and stares at the side of his head until he has no choice but to look at her, when she gives him a blinding smile. He looks distinctly uncomfortable and leans back a little. Quinn struggles not to laugh and by their twitching mouths she can tell Puck and Claudia are having a hard time too.

Penny gets fed up waiting for Robert to smile back and turns to Quinn.

'Robert is my boyfriend,' she announces, and Robert's mouth drops open. It's obviously news to him. His eyes are wide and his cheeks go brilliantly red, but he doesn't embarrass her by contradicting it, and Quinn feels a new respect for the little boy, who looks worriedly at Claudia.

'That's nice, Penny,' Quinn says, and tries to change the subject. 'So do you guys like to sing?'

'Penny does a great Barry Manilow impression,' Claudia offers helpfully, and Penny's face lights up. Quinn thinks it's amazing this little girl isn't embarrassed about her voice; she's almost eighteen years old and she still tries to hide the things that make her different.

'I do funny singing, though,' she says solemnly. 'I want to be able to sing like –'

'Do _Copacobana, _Pen,' interrupts Claudia enthusiastically. Penny launches into a croaky, hilarious rendition of the song and Quinn wonders if Claudia was trying to stop her saying she wished she could sing like _her, _because she sure didn't want her to finish that sentence. Maybe she's shy about her voice. Or maybe Quinn's off base, because Penny is glaring at her head whenever Robert sneaks a glance and she gets the feeling she isn't in the mood to be saying anything nice about Claudia. After a while Penny and Robert get bored of the older kids and run off to play with someone else; it appears that no matter how uncomfortable Penny makes Robert or how much he adores Claudia, they eventually tire of talking and go to find something more fun to do together. Watching them squeal over a portable train set, Quinn sees Tina duck out of the lounge with tears in her eyes, and she looks down. She feels like she should go and comfort her friend, though she doesn't know what happened. But she doesn't know what to say.

'So Puck here tells me you guys used to date.'

She starts and turns back to the table – Claudia's talking to her. Quinn looks at Puck with her eyebrows raised. He chuckles.

'She asked if I had any ex-girlfriends in the room.'

'Don't worry,' Claudia grinned. 'He pointed out the others, too. And told me he dated your missing member, as well. Your friend seems to think he's going to impress me by proving he's a man whore.'

'Who says I'm trying to impress you?' Puck says indignantly, but there's a twinkle in his eye and Quinn can tell he's thinking this girl is pretty cool.

'A girl knows these things,' shrugs Claudia.

She's very pretty. Pale, with big, startlingly blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair that falls in a blunt fringe and waves down her back. There's something unusual and pure about her face. She looks really good in a long sleeved green top and jeans. Quinn's curious.

'Do you mind if I ask,' she begins, and feels awkward as soon as the words have left her mouth. But Claudia clearly realizes what she wants to know, and pats Quinn's hand.

'It's okay, I'd be curious too. I do look a bit too fabulous to be a cancer patient,' she smirks. 'Although we do get a bad rep. In reality we're the most fabulous patients of them all. But in answer to your question, I have chronic myeloid leukemia – CML. I finished chemo a few weeks ago but I got a pretty bad infection so I've been in here for a while. I'm actually probably going home this afternoon, but I wanted to stay and see the performance.'

'You look amazing,' says Quinn, and she means it. This girl is a knockout and she kind of gets even more beautiful the more you look at her.

'Thanks,' Claudia says, looking pleased. 'It looks real, right?'

'What looks real?'

The girl reaches up, slides her fingers across her scalp and lifts. To Quinn's shock, that blunt fringe and those strawberry blonde waves all move up a couple of inches – Claudia is bald. _That's _why her face seems unusual – she doesn't have any eyelashes, and her eyebrows are drawn on.

'You're wearing a wig!' says Puck, looking stunned.

'Yup,' she says, slipping it back into place. 'My real hair is… well, was… light brown. And it used to go blonde in the summer. But I always really liked this colour, so when I had the chance…' She looks at Puck and gives him a mischievous smile. 'Still think I'm hot?'

'I never said you were hot,' he answers, but can't keep a straight face. He laughs. 'But I guess you read my mind. Yeah, I do. Not many girls can pull off the V for Vendetta look, but on you I like it.'

Claudia beams, and Quinn gets the feeling that despite this girl's confidence, she would probably never reveal her wig outside the safety of the cancer ward, where everyone knows she's sick anyway, and that Puck's attention probably means a lot more to her than he realizes.

#

It's amazing. These kids are really just kids. Quinn spends time with a little boy called Oliver who has a plum purple melanoma like spilled wine right across his forehead, and he tells her to call him Inkface, and goes on to describe the superpowers he derives from the mark on his face: flying, invisibility, and squirting people in the face with ink.

She talks to another boy named Derek, who looks about eleven or twelve, who is dressed in a hospital gown and has absolutely no hair. His twin, Kent, sits beside him, and so she can see exactly what he looked like when he did have hair, because his former self is sitting right next to him. He starts telling her all about the tumours in his lungs before she can even tell him her name, and whenever he forgets something or leaves out a detail, Kent jumps right in and corrects him. And once they've exhausted all the details of that, they talk about the Cubs.

#

And then the glee club has lunch.

'I never want to leave,' grins Mercedes. They're all sitting in the cafeteria eating crappy hospital sandwiches, talking about the kids. 'I want to stay here and adopt each and every one of them.'

'They're _so _sweet,' says Tina. She's not crying anymore, but she doesn't look happy. 'And so brave. I was talking to this little girl, Alice – she has a 5% chance of survival, and she was laughing and smiling.'

'I got asked to sing at Jake's funeral,' says Kurt sadly, and everyone looks at him. 'He's fourteen years old and he says he would like me to sing _Blackbird _at his funeral. Because he's pretty sure he'll die before I leave for college.'

Quinn has no idea what to say to that, and she can tell nobody else does either. She's almost angry at Kurt. Why couldn't he just let them talk about how great the kids were without bringing that up?

After a long pause, Finn speaks.

'I can't believe the way they talk about death,' he says lowly. 'They seem so calm. I can't imagine being that calm.'

'I know,' says Puck. 'Or the way they laugh about having no hair, even. The way Inkface digs his melanoma.'

'You know he doesn't really, right?' asks Santana. 'He hates it. He must hate it.'

'Probably. But still.'

Quinn has nothing to contribute to this conversation. She realizes that somehow, she has managed to survive the day without really talking about death. In a cancer ward. Is everybody else just asking different questions to her, or can these kids sense that she might not be strong enough to talk about it? Or maybe they can tell she just doesn't have anything to offer. She can see why they'd talk about death with Kurt, or Finn, or Mercedes, even Puck. They're great listeners, and they might find it hard but she knows they'd think of something to say. But she knows _she_ would freeze up, and maybe these kids know that too. She's always been beautiful, but maybe the coward in her is starting to show on the outside too.

#

After lunch, they visit kids in their rooms. The really sick ones.

'We'll see if they'd like you to sing for them,' said Nurse Pattinson, as she took them down another corridor, which was lined with doors. 'They might not be up for it, but we can still pop in and say hi. Just be careful around the machinery.'

She comes up to a door and knocks.

'Ellie?' she calls. 'Can we come in? The McKinley High glee club wants to say hello to you.'

'Okay!'

A tiny voice – a voice that could only belong to a small girl – comes through the door, and Nurse Pattinson beckons them inside.

Lying on a hospital bed in the middle of the room is Beth. What Quinn imagines Beth will look like when she's older, anyway. She's very little, with dewy fair skin and big brown eyes; and she has blonde curls that still seem to have that baby softness to them. Chubby cheeks and a button nose; the cutest little pout. The only thing wrong is that this little girl doesn't rise from the pillows when they come in, and she has tubes up her nose, and there are awful dark circles under her eyes. She looks about four.

'Hello, Smelly Ellie,' says Nurse Pattinson cheerfully. 'Where's your mommy got to?'

'She's getting a sandwich. Not for me,' says Ellie, in a plummy British accent. It's adorable. 'Because I'm not allowed to have sandwiches.'

'That's right, good girl. Ellie, these kids are called New Directions. They're a singing club. Would you like them to sing for you?'

'Yes, please.'

Quinn swallows. This little girl makes her heart hurt. It's not normal for kids to lie so flat while they're talking. Ellie can't even lift her head. She wonders what's wrong with her.

She looks at the others and sees eyes either wet or on the ground.

'Let's sing _Tiny Dancer,' _she suggests, and the others smile.

#

Ellie falls asleep suddenly, right in the middle of the song.

'Don't be offended,' says Nurse Pattinson, closing the door behind them. 'She's on a lot of medication so it's hard for her to stay awake.'

'Of course,' says Mr Schue. His face looks tight and sad.

Quinn gets it. They don't know exactly what that little girl has, but it's heartbreaking to see a kid so beaten down.

They move down the hallway to the next door. There's a yellow tag hanging from the doorknob.

'Oh,' says Nurse Pattinson. 'That's a 'do not disturb tag'. We should just…' she seems to hesitate, and then she sighs. 'Hang on.'

She opens the door, but she doesn't beckon the others inside; she slips her head in, keeping the patient out of view.

'Honey, are you sure you don't want to see them?' she asks. There's no reply, but whoever's in the room must have nodded or something, because she straightens and closes the door again, and Quinn doesn't understand the expression on her face. She looks almost frustrated.

'Okay, next room,' she says briskly, and they move on.

They see four more kids. The rest are either sleeping, too sick or have yellow tags on their doors (there are three of those, including the one Nurse Pattinson tried to convince to let them in, but she doesn't do that with anyone else). It's not too bad – these kids seem a bit weaker, a bit paler, a bit more tired. But it's not too bad. They still smile when they come into their rooms. Her mom used to say that you're still alive as long as you're smiling.

#

When they're done, Nurse Pattinson takes them back to the paediatrics lounge to say goodbye to the kids. Quinn hugs Inkface and lets him rub his melanoma against her forehead. She feels like a bad person for calling him Inkface in her head, but that is what he asked her to do, so she guesses it's alright. She's looking for Penny when Claudia comes up to her.

'Hey, Quinn,' she greets.

'Hey,' Quinn smiles. She likes Claudia. Maybe because for whatever reason, Claudia seems to like her. A lot of girls don't.

She holds out a small slip of paper to Quinn.

'I was wondering if you'd give Puck my phone number,' she says, grinning.

Quinn laughs.

'Why don't you give it to him yourself?'

'Well… I'm pretty sure he likes me, but you can never really tell in here if somebody likes you or if they just feel sorry for you,' Claudia says, and for the first time Quinn sees this girl is a lot like her. Pretending to be confident. 'This way if he doesn't want to call me, he won't have to remember my face when I asked him to.'

She doesn't know what to say. She would _never _be so selfless. She knows – when her life sucks, she gets angry. All these kids are just… accepting. She's sure some of them _are _angry, but they seem to hold on to their composure during the day and that's more than she ever managed to do while she was pregnant. And she knows that if it were her right now, sick and bald, she would be looking as pitiful as possible, trying to guilt him into it. But Claudia is a better person.

'Puck's a good guy,' says Quinn finally. 'He wouldn't call you just because you're sick. And I can tell he really does like you. So keep your phone turned on.'

Claudia smiles and they hug.

'I – could I come back and visit you?' Quinn asks. She means it. She thinks they could make good friends.

'I'm leaving, remember?' says Claudia.

'Oh. Yeah.'

'But we should get coffee some time.'

'I'd like that,' she says happily. She looks around. Everywhere, the glee kids are hugging the patients, or talking to their parents. But she doesn't see –

'Are you looking for Penny?'

Quinn looks back and sees that Claudia was watching her.

'Yeah. I wanted to say goodbye.'

'She's a gorgeous kid. I've known her for two years now. She's actually one of my best friends.'

She raises her eyebrows. 'I thought – Penny didn't really seem to like you.'

'She's jealous that Robert has a crush on me. She thinks that boy hangs the moon. But she'll get over it. I know it's kind of weird, being best friends with a six year old, but age doesn't matter as much in here.' To Quinn's surprise, her eyes start to look wet. 'I still kind of… can't believe she's not going to be around.'

'What?'

Quinn's heart starts thudding painfully in her chest. Claudia stares at her, and for a moment they are mutually incomprehensible to each other. Quinn doesn't understand what Claudia is trying to say, but her body does, because she feels like throwing up. Claudia doesn't understand why Quinn looks so stunned. And then she does, and they do, and Claudia looks like she wants to run away but she's too brave not to tell Quinn the truth.

'Oh, my God. I'm sorry… nobody told you.' She touches Quinn's shoulder. 'Penny has oesophageal cancer, tumours in her throat. That's why her voice is all deep and croaky like that. You can't take out someone's oesophagus. It's pretty advanced. Her prognosis is only a few more months.'

The pounding of her heart reverberates in her head. Her ears are roaring.

Penny is going to die.

Claudia looks stricken – she can tell Quinn was not prepared. She thought Penny was going to be fine.

She can't be here.

'Quinn, I'm sorry –'

She runs.

She can't get the image of Penny out of her mind – that cap of jet black hair, those enormous eyes. Her obsession with Grease, that adoring way she looked at Robert. She seemed so alive. She wants to get that face out of her head, because she cannot breathe. She knocks Artie on the shoulder as she moves past him, and she sees him look up – and look concerned.

'Quinn, are you okay?'

She ignores him and strides past, eyes burning with tears. She knew it; she fucking knew the day was going to end like this. She was weak. She couldn't handle it; she couldn't handle strange kids dying. God knows how she'd deal with it if it was someone she knew.

Vision blurring wet, she opens the first door she finds and lurches inside, slamming it behind her. Closing her eyes, she leans against it, breathing heavily. The image of Penny is flashing in her mind, along with the image of a tiny baby and and the little girl who looks just like Beth.

She hears a rustle.

Fuck. She's just walked into some patient's room.

She opens her eyes in dread. 'I'm _so _sorry –'

Her words trail off.

There's a girl lying on the hospital bed. She's facing away from Quinn, curled up on her side with her hair over her face, but it's familiar hair; thick, dark, long. Something about how short she is, and the almost-olive skin of her bare feet, which she can see peeking out from the bottom of the screwed up sheet… she could _swear… _

Staring at the girl, trying to breathe normally, Quinn walks slowly around the bed, and when she sees the face, she gasps.

_It's Rachel._

She must have cried herself to sleep, because there are tear tracks running horizontally from her eyes down her cheeks. She is pale as hell, and _skinny,_ and there are nasty dark circles under her eyes, the kind you can't get from staying awake a week straight. The kind you only get when you're pretty damn sick. Quinn's body is pumping with adrenaline; she feels like she's just escaped from a serial killer or something.

_Rachel's in the hospital? _

_Rachel has cancer?_

Breathing hard, she looks around the room. There's a steady beeping sound coming from a machine behind the bed that she's pretty sure is a heart rate monitor; glowing numbers fill a big black screen. There's a bag of blood hooked up to an IV stand that's connected to Rachel by a plastic tube going into her arm; there's a clunky white box on a stand next to the bed that's hooked up to her too.

Rachel has cancer.

And for the second time in about five minutes, Quinn runs away from knowledge that scares her. She's not crying anymore. She's too shocked. She can barely even think. She strides over to the door and opens it, and she's _just _closed it again behind her when Artie appears and he's looking at her with such worry and understanding, which is weird, because they've never been close. But today he's everywhere.

'Quinn, are you alright?' he asks.

'I'm fine. Let's go.'

_A/N: Thank you everyone for the reviews, favourites and alerts! I know this chapter was different, but Quinn has an interesting part to play in this story and I intend to play with flash forwards and flash backs a bit. There are also other characters whose perspectives I will be using._


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